A friend sent me this via email a few months ago. It
may help you know more about Oz. But then again it may not! It is allegedly
written by Douglas Adams (of
Hitchhikers Guide fame) however I could not verify this fact. I did find another
article written by him on his Official
Site which is also worth a look.
Australia - The Confusing Country
Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
bottom half of the planet. It is recognizable from orbit because of many unusual
features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its
southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea.
Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology and plate
tectonics, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight" proving
that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't
spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place.
Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent,
island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique
in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the
10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it
would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia
has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the
spiders have killed them all. But, spiders won't go near the sea. Any
visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under
toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is
very useful for this task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are
more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common
Wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging
holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat
worms and grubs. The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is
indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles
that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads.
Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on
one side, and this merely makes
them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away.
Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with
results that can be imagined, but not adequately described. The second way the
wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person
happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the
disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will
brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with
incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand will be crushed,
and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The
unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat
prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most
embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the
mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs,
detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous
barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian
attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short
history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from
the north. They ate all the available food, and lot of them died. The ones that
survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the
scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the
intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north. More
accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people
in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of
the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the
bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.
About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is
interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly
superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and
litigate (marks of a civilized culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals
can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert,
equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended
Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the
mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit
perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence,
their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every
morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of
irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the
nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the
sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a
fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has
venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and
surfboarders. However, watching
a beach sunset is worth the risk.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect
Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and
always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an
American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile
disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been
performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that
Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land
"Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own
Country") and "Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth."
The irritating thing about this is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not under any
circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to
another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt. Religion and
Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about
either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya'
like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word
here} country in the world!".
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will
'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian
Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form of
initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing
hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes. Your hosts
will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with
"It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to
which the policeman will sagely nod and close his
notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian
you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong
the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture. Most
Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of
electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
Typical Australian sayings "G'Day!" "It's better than a poke in
the eye with a sharp stick." "She'll be right." "And down
from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged
battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and the white stars
fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the
overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains
are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen
tell the story of his ride."
Tips to Surviving Australia
- Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.
We mean it.
- The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think
it is.
- Always carry a stick.
- Air-conditioning.
- Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
- Thick socks.
- Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.
- If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at
all times, or you will die.
- Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See Also: "Deserts: How to die in them", "The Stick: Second
most useful thing ever" and "Poisonous and Venomous arachnids,
insects, animals, trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1-42
